Dirty Thirty Blog

I went through a tough time in my life. A time where I was not the best version of myself. And it reflected by the way that I expressed myself with and towards others.

The judging phase in my early 20’s as I like to call it. it consisted of wasting my energy on negative comments about other people, and always having an opinion about them. (I was a miserable Ass bitch) ha-ha I can laugh now because I have accepted my faults and changed.

Allow me to give you some examples. I would be walking in the mall and noticing people’s physical appearances and making negative comments about them. making comments about people’s personality traits also would be something I justified.

I didn’t realize that was a direct reflection of how I felt about myself. I didn’t even realize that I was being negative because it seemed normal to me. I just did it. I made the negative comments. And I always backed it up with well that is my personal opinion, and I am entitled to it. You know the thing society preaches to the world so that they can make us feel better about being assholes? Well yes, we are entitled to our opinion, but I started asking myself at what cost? because it was not to make me a better person. It was actually the complete opposite. It was a direct reflection of how I felt about me. And given that it was always negative, well that says a lot about how I felt towards myself. I realized that i was very insecure and it helped me to focus on everyone else but me.

In my mid 20’s I really started working on my self-love journey. I was going to the gym, started a business and accomplished all the goals on my dream board. I was on top of the world. But I still had some learning to do. I had to learn how to be more empathetic, more patient and more understanding. And that it was not my place to share my negative opinions about their life. it was none of my business. I still had to learn how to stay in my lane. And i had to learn how to be empathetic and self- aware.

steps that helped me become self-aware, were 1. accepting that i was being punitive, rude and negative. Accept that i had an ego and that having an ego would only damage me in a long run. I had to forgive myself for the negativity that i had brought to my own life. and i had to change my perspective, it is so easy to think negativity about others based of our perspectives. so, I decided to be curious instead. seeking to understand the reasoning behind people’s actions sounded so stupid until I actually did it. It all made sense.

Friends would encourage the behavior and say well gi gi you are entitled to your own personal opinion. They would also simply agree with me, you know just to validate my behavior. I wanted to work on being a better person. The reality though is I am not a good person; I am human, and I make mistakes. I wanted to work on being a kinder person. I wanted to work on being so confident and self-assured that I radiated that to others. i was done feeling superior, and letting my ego take over. I wanted to change and i wanted to give people grace, patients, love and grace.

It wasn’t until I went through a really hard situation in my life. that is when I realized that I wanted to be better. Maybe because I knew that there were not enough people like that around. maybe because I finally realized that I wanted to be better and do better.

I started asking myself why am I so bitter? Does their life concern me? And if it is about me, is it something I can control? Why am I allowing these small things to run my life after what I’ve been through? Why am I allowing these negative thoughts to take up space in my head? I had to dig myself out of a hole. And also fighting the urge to be like everyone else after being treated so poorly by others.

and maybe that was it! maybe that was my motivation. Being an example of what wanted in my life all along. instead of joining the misery and the negativity i wanted a different outcome. I no longer wanted to be what people wanted me to be. I wanted to understand people. i wanted to be empathetic .i wanted to take the time to understand others. I already knew that other behaviors had nothing to do with me. So, I stopped taking things so personal. I knew that because of how i use to feel, that their actions had nothing to do with me. It was all a direct reflection of how they felt about themselves.

i also had to forgive the people in my past. Something i know not a lot of people do. People tend to cling to bitterness and the past. i was so sick of being hurt by just the thought of the past. i thought about how i would feel. You know to mess up, and want to do better but all people ever thought about me was my past. i made it my goal to give second chances. and it was too painful to at least forgive and move on. I did not do this alone though. I prayed every day to God. I asked him to help me see people the way he sees me every day. I asked him to guide me to a path of forgiveness because he forgives me every day. I asked him to guide me to be loving, graceful. I also asked him to help me work through my pain because i know that with pain comes strength.

I started to focus on all the small things. I also started to be more self-aware of my thoughts and feelings. This was super helpful when my brain wanted to re- visit the past memories and pain peopled caused. with time i learned to be strong. I learned that it takes more effort to be mad, bitter and judgmental than to just release and grow.

if you find yourself being judgmental about someone, ask yourself why you feel that way? ask yourself if this is something you do not value. and re-direct your focus on something positive.

something that we all forget is that no one is perfect. sometime in your life you have hurt someone. Maybe not the same way someone hurt you. And maybe not the same way someone else hurt your loved one. But it happened. there is no scale to pain. like there is no scale to sins or mistakes.

God see’s us for what is inside our hearts, all of his Disciples were sinners who chose to do better. Always remember that. Jesus gave us all free will to do better as long as we chose better.

When you truly love yourself, you learn to love others. Learn that by being graceful you can learn so much more from people. we don’t get to choose where we are born. And we don’t get to choose the family we are born in. some of us weren’t taught better. That is why we continue cycles of abuse, of judgment and so much more. someone in our lives taught us it was okay and normal to do the things we do. You don’t have to be bitter, i want you to know that you don’t have to be angry. You can let it go. You can be better and set you free because you have

Freewill

continue to love others the way god loves you.

Luke 6:37 “Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven.